Rebirth

I was born June 15,1975. It was a Sunday and also Father’s Day. I feel it being Father’s Day was significant. One because My Adopted Father loved celebrating His Day and My Day together every seven Years. And two, from what I know, My Birth Father and myself for many Years, did not know of the gift of a child on such a special Day. He still does not know, I am assuming anyway.

I never wondered a lot about My Birth Father as much as I did about My Mother. I am not sure why. I feel it might be as a Child We yearn for Our Mother’s in times of sickness and sadness and just overall need. Dad’s are tougher, They discipline and keep You in line so to speak. But They are also Our protectors. My Dad was all of those things in His own gentle way. He was proud. He taught Me how to play catch. He was there when I was in trouble with My Mother which was a lot. But He was My Dad. The only one I have ever known.

My adopted Dad has passed on. I know He is watching from above and so proud of His Grandchildren who He loved more then anything. But I do wonder about My Birth Father. Who He is? What He looks like? What things about myself do I get from Him? All of the questions Us adoptees have. But like I have always done, I keep hope alive in one Day knowing.

I was born on June 15,1975, but I consider My rebirth to be April 15, 2020 the Day I found out who My Birth Mother was and My Sisters. A Day 45 Years in the making. I do not know anything about My Birth Father. I hope to one Day but if that Day never comes, I hope he knows I had the best Man for the job in His place.

Irisheyezs

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My Pot of Gold

Hello World! It has been a little over five Years since I have posted to this blog. Yes in five Years so much has happened. Good things, bad things, and everything in between. I stopped writing about My Adoption Story because I felt like I had nothing else to say. I stayed silent because I was just tired, tired of the brick walls I would continue to hit in My search, tired of of the unknowns. And just tired of feeling like I would never solve My own mystery. So I stopped. I stopped writing. I stopped wondering, I stopped hoping. It was consuming every aspect of My Life and not in a good way. Don’t get Me wrong, I wanted to know who I am, I wanted to know where I came from and Who out there was My real blood Family. However every corner I turned in My search lead Me down just another dead end. I was tired. So I went about My Life and just paused My adoption search. I would check My Ancestry account almost everyday hoping a new close match would appear, but it didn’t. Or a random Facebook Friend request would be a Family member looking for Me, but it never came.

I never gave up hope but in a way My hope had faded. I did have some information that I had found over the Years but just not enough to go on.  I worked with a Search Angel, who now I owe all My gratitude, but We will get to that. But, in the Fall of 2019 I read an article on one of the Adoption sites regarding the Vote to open the sealed Birth Certificates in New York. Now this is a topic I have followed for Years but it always was turned down and never passed. Until the Fall of 2019. It was up for vote in the State House once again. This time it had strength behind it and many Adopted Law Makers backing it. So I followed closely, checked the Albany News often and Prayed.

It was a Friday. I was scrolling thru Facebook and a NY News alert popped up. NY Lawmakers have passed the bill to open sealed Birth Certificates of Adoptees. There it was. I think I reread it 10,000 times. Its happened, I get to have My own actual Birth Certificate!! I mean could this be it??? Could I finally have a Name and A Mother’s Name to end this journey? It was true, it passed. Now the only thing left to do was put it into Law. So it sat for awhile (felt like 20 Years) on the desk of Governor Cuomo to be signed. And about a Month or so later He signed it, and He said all Adopted Adults deserve the right to know who They are. He was right and He was My hero in that moment.

I received My Birth Certificate at the beginning of March, right before Covid hit so I was lucky in that aspect. Once Covid hit the mailing of the Birth Certificate’s was halted for Month’s. Now I had My Mother’s Name and My name given at birth. There it was, the words I had dreamed of seeing since I was twelve Years old. I had the answer in My hands of what I had longed for and worked so hard to get. I emailed the information to My search angel so She could work on putting the pieces of the puzzle together for Me. It took Her two Days to build My Family tree and give Me everything I had ever wanted. After more then twenty Years of search and struggle, I had My truth.

I had so much information I was a bit overwhelmed as to what to do with it all.  I never dreamed this Day would come so I did not have a plan if it ever did. Where do I start, who should I contact and what the heck would I even say? I thought about how I was going to just show up on someone’s doorstep so to speak. The roller coaster of emotions was unreal.

April 15th was just another regular Day. Work was very slow due the Covid shutdown. So I was on the internet searching the Names on My Family tree. I was ready to make contact with someone to let the cat out of the bag. So I sent a message on Facebook to one of My Aunt’s in Ireland. She responded with I don’t know You or the Person who You are talking about. Which was My Mother. I knew this could happen just from what I had learned in My research over the Years. Secret’s are to be kept hidden and never to be spoke of again. I moved on, I thought ok I see how this is going to go. Another road block, but I was bound and determined to have someone acknowledge My existence I then contacted a Cousin, I sent another general message that I had done Ancestry DNA and it has lead Me to the Silver Family Name. Within minutes He responded, and was glad I reached out to Him. He explained that the Woman who I was looking for was His Aunt. He then said I needed to speak to His Cousin Lisa because She would be more helpful to Me. At first I didn’t know what to say because once again I did not think anyone would be welcoming to Me. My stomach was in knots, could this be the start of something I had wished for? So I responded and sent Him My number for Her to contact Me. Within in what seemed to be seconds, My cell phone went off with a new txt message. It was Lisa, My Sister. Just like that My Life as I knew it had completed changed. We have spoken just about everyday since and We met in June for the first time ever.

The Days leading up to My trip to see Her, were filled with nerves and excitement and more emotions then I have ever felt in My Life. Most People thought I was nuts for just getting in the car and driving across the Country to meet a total stranger. But to Me it was not a stranger, this Person was My Sister, a real Life blood Sister. I felt like I had already known Her my whole Life and there was nothing that was going to stop Me from meeting Her. Once My mind is made up, there is no going back. I have been that way My whole Life. I had to do this and I wanted to with ever inch of My soul. I have lost 45 Years without Her and I was not losing another minute. The moment I saw Her face, I knew I was Home. All of the pain, the searching the constant thoughts that went thru My head of who am I and where do I come from were gone. I felt like a weight was immediately lifted from My heart and it was the most beautiful feeling in the World.

We spent the next few Days getting to know each other but it was like I had known Her forever. She was not a stranger, She was My pot of gold at the end of a rainbow I had been chasing since I was twelve years old. I am grateful for My Life, I am grateful to My Mother who is not quite ready to make contact and I am good with that. There are so many emotions and old feelings that go along with adoption. I am hoping just knowing I am alive and well and had a good childhood will give Her some comfort. Knowing She has two more beautiful Grandchildren that want to Love her just as much as I do will help heal Her wounds. I keep hope, I keep the faith and I pray for Her and Her peace daily. When She is ready I will be waiting.

So that is My update after five Years of silence. There is more that goes along with this fairy tale but I will continue to post it here now on a regular basis. This will now be My outlet to write about the new start of the rest of My Life. The start of the greatest story ever told. To all adopted who are still hoping and praying to find Their answers, do not give up, do not stop praying and hoping to find Your truth. I gave up many times but something always kept Me going and now I know exactly what that was. My truth has built Me into the Person I am Today and I cannot be more blessed to have found My own personal pot of gold at the end of this beautiful rainbow.

Irisheyezs

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We do not remember days, we remember moments

It has been a long time since I have updated my blog. For many different reasons and obstacles. The first being the Spinal Fusion I had in September. It was a long three month recovery with a lot of ups and downs, but with my determination and a little help from my Friends and Family, I made it through. You really do learn who is there for you when you need it. And without the help and support of them I might have not came out of the struggle as well as I have. I am forever grateful for the people in my life and the love they give and show me time and time again. I have been through plenty of rough patches through out my 39 years on this Earth, but each and every one has made me stronger and has taught me valuable lessons.
My Adoption journey is still a road I am traveling. I have done the DNA testing and have had many matches of blood relatives. Just not the right matches yet for me to get to the beginning of my past. I still have faith that one day I will know the truth and who I really am and where I came from. It might be years from now or never, but I am leaving it all in God’s hands and when the time is right he will lead me to it. And if it never happens, then it will be his way of protecting me from the truth for very good reasons. But either way I will never give up hope, that is for certain.
And last but not least, the loss I will go through in just a few short months. I believe people are put in our lives for a reason. And almost 8 years ago a person was put in my life for all the best reasons I could have ever imagined. Best Friend is a very strong title. Not all people in life ever have another human being that changes their life for the better and have a connection so strong it is almost hard to believe. But I am one of the few who has had the greatest gift and have a forever Friend who has changed me in so many ways and has made my life better in so many ways. She will always be in my life but will be moving to start a new journey in life. I am happy for her because this move is for the best for her and her Family, and I always want her to be happy and receive all that she deserves. But the other part of me wants to keep her forever with me but nothing lasts forever. I know we will see each other as much as we can and talk and use all the technology that is available to keep in touch. But not having her near me to see whenever I want will be the tough part.
Life is full of changes and hard times, good times and everything in between. And she has been through all of them with me in the time we have known each other. I have been blessed to be able to finally feel comfortable in my own skin with another person I do not have to pretend to be someone I am not, I can be honest and let my true feelings show without judgement and in return receive comfort, support and a honest interest in my past and all that I am inside and out. I will miss her immensely every single day, not even sure how I will manage it at all. To some it might sound pathetic. People come and go out of our lives all the time, they move, they move on. But this to me is different. I do know it is not the end, and I will have her with me in spirit and in my heart always. But it will be one of the greatest losses I will being dealing with and I know it will make me stronger and us stronger. Because at the end of the day all I want is for her to be happy, and if that means letting go in distance only, then I will find comfort in that. Either way I believe we all in life need to have that soul mate we find by pure chance to brighten our lives and bring such joy to our souls.
God has always seen me through the dark spots in my life, I feel I have been blessed more then I deserve in so many ways. Not sure what I ever did to deserve the many blessings I have received in my life, but I try each day to give Thanks and give some part of myself to others in a positive light. It is the least I can do to send my gratitude to God and the many Angels I have above.

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And The Countdown Begins

An update on my last post. I now have a surgery date and the knowledge that the health of my back is worse then ever. July 16th is the date set for my spinal fusion. But on a positive note since my last post, I have gained 985 relatives. I received my DNA results and confirmed I am 98.9% Irish. Which I pretty much knew based on my skin tone but now its confirmed. I have the starting pages of my heritage with names and faces of actual family members. And they are blood!! Its all very exciting and scary but I am now on my way of finding actual family members and learning more about who I am. Something I have desired since the moment I discovered I was adopted. But for the time being I am putting my search and research on a short hold.
I have scheduled a spinal fusion surgery for July 16th. So for now my world cannot revolve around anything else until it happens. My mind is nowhere else but in the stages of worry and stress and all the what if’s. And last but not least pain. Pain is one of the main reasons I am headed to surgery among others. I have been given a bad back from the get go and it is starting to catch up with me. Worse then ever.
The surgery itself is massive. The recovery even worse. Yet my mind feels like its been thru surgery or to hell in back already. I am not sure which. The countdown begins and so does the turning of the wheels in my head. There is no beating around the bush about it, I am scared out of my mind.  More then I ever have been in any situation. Of course I am scared of the what if’s including if I were not to come thru it at all. I know that is something that is a huge what if and I should not even think that way. But I have. I have kids and a husband that need me and who I need and that risk can happen just walking out your front door. I am not trying to think the worse but its there. The recovery itself is what I am scared about and having to depend on others is not my favorite either. I have some wonderful people in my life and a even better support system which I could not be more grateful for. But I am not the best on asking for help or relying on others. Course afterwards I will not have much of a choice.

I have no idea how or if I will be able to return to work. I think most of my worry is that. Besides loss of income and benefits, I would miss my job and the people I work with. I spend more time with them then I do my own family and I cannot imagine not being able to work with them. But I am trying my best at staying positive and leaving this in God’s hands. Between him and my angels above, I know they will see me through it all. I have had obstacles in my path before but this is one of the biggest yet. I am trying my best to be strong and keep it together this best I can. Some days are easier then others and as it gets closer I am not sure how well I will do. For now I sit and wait and pray. Pray for the best and hope for better days. I know there is a reason for everything, I am trying to figure out this one and have not quite yet. But I know I am not alone, in this or anything for that matter.
I have carried the weight of the world on my shouldars for some time. I am realizing slowly I don’t have to carry it all. But at the end of the day it is just me and my thoughts. And lately my thoughts are not of happy ones or planning for the future. They are unknown and so loud they are silencing me. But I keep on, and will fight on. I want to win this battle, just not so sure I can, but I am going to give it one hell of a fight. Continue reading

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The Waiting Game

After seeing and hearing all the hooplah over DNA research and all the adoptees doing it, I finally got the guts to do it myself. I had a very uneasy feeling about it for quite awhile. Being an adoptee the word trust has always been an enemy of mine. I thought at first it was a scam, you swab your cheek, they take your money and run. Or give you a bunch of made up results about your genetic make up. But after some research and proof from other adoptees, I took the plunge. I have not received my results yet but I am patiently waiting.  A bit nervous and scared but also very excited! Just to finally know, which I am almost 100% sure, that I am of Irish decent,  and to learn where my blood lines flow from. There are chances of getting names of cousins and distant relatives. Which could lead me down the path I have been trying to find my whole life. The only downside is I am not able to receive my medical information. Which I so gravely wish to have. Not only for me but for my children. I am keeping my hopes up that one day they will allow that information to us but for now, I just will keep that page blank. Once I receive my results I will update my blog. I do not imagine my update will be sad or disapointing since at this point something is better then nothing. Which I have now. So check back for my next blog in which I will be able to tell you more about myself since I will actually know! That is my hope anyway and to maybe help another adoptee work up the courage like I did and take the DNA plunge.
I ask you to keep me in your prayers as to some positive news for a change on my adoption journey. Like I always say, good things come to those who wait.

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Life Changes

Making changes whether they are for the best or for the worst, can be frightening and exciting all at the same time. I am at a point in my life that I have come to the realization that I cannot do it all and I need to throw in the towel on certain things in my life. I have never been a quitter and given up on any obstacle that I have been faced with.  But I am now at a point that I have come to terms with I need to make changes and give up on certain things. My health is not the best and has not been for quite some time. My physical health I should say. My body is not what it use to be as comes with age but sadly it has become my obstacle that is stopping me from being happy and enjoying the good things in life.
One of my biggest regrets is that I never completed College and earned my degree like I set out to do. There are too many excuses to list but all of them are pathetic and I am disappointed in myself for each of them. I have worked for the same Company for almost 15 years without a solid future or a positive end in sight. Of course it has provided for my family and I but I have paid the price for it. My own fault, nobody elses. But I did what I had to do but now I don’t think I can continue for much longer. I have decided to return to school to better myself and my family and accomplish a huge goal for myself. I want go show my children that I am not a quitter and that with some determination anything is possible.
Whether I move on from the life I currently have or just finish what I started many years ago, I will have the satisfaction I did it, on my own and I have conquered my own obstacle. It will be hard and frustrating at times, but I am secure in the fact I can do this. And I will achieve my goals.  Not to sound selfish but I do deserve better and so does my family. It took me a long time to realize there are so many things I do have to offer that I have tucked away for to long because I have put others in front of my own hopes and dreams.  I do not regret that by

any means but now it is my  time. Its time I got up and took life by the horns so to speak.
When we are born we have a blank book to fill in. It is up to us to fill the pages in and hope to make it the greatest book ever writen. So now I am at the point in my life that I am ready to start a new chapter. My chapter that will have drama, comedy and some turmoil I am sure but its my book to write.
It may not be the greatest novel ever to be read but if I can make a small difference in my life and maybe someone elses, then its worth all my blood, sweat and tears that I will have put into the writing process. 

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Until We Meet Once More

I am patiently waiting with open arms
Just like I did the day you left me here
Quietly I pray to the Lord
Until the day we meet once more
You left without saying goodbye
Or to give me a reason why
Quietly I pray to the Lord
Until the day we meet once more
Maybe I did something wrong
Or said things I should’t have said
Quietly I pray to the Lord
Until the day we meet once more
As time begins to fade
And the months turn into years
Quitly I pray to the Lord
Until the day we meet once more

By
-Irisheyezs- Continue reading

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The Secret Continues

The world of Adoption is the uttermost mysterious subject still to this day. The secret world that made it to cover up the names of those involved and the details of each of our births, is still prevelent to this day. With social media sites, searching has become easier and more available to find loved ones. But spreading the word that you are looking and trying to find information is a big step. A step I cannot seem to take. I have seen post Continue reading

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Family Isnt Always Blood

I have been told by some to be grateful I am adopted and that I don’t have my real family. I always used to take offense to that.  Now I understand what they are saying. And in some similiar ways they go thru the same emotions as those adopted. The feeling of not being accepted, being unwanted and dishonesty. Some have horrible childhoods with their natural families and probably wish they had been adopted even though that sounds crazy to me. Others never have a close or happy relationship with their natural families and do not even claim eachother.
Thru the years I have sat and listened to friends and offered advice regarding their family issues. I do the best I can with my advice even though I had an adopted family and not blood. Human is human. I have felt sad for some in their stories of abuse and hurt and overall agony and anger towards their families. And then I think maybe my life was not that bad afterall.
I am grateful for a happy childhood for the most part. It wasn’t all roses but it really could have been worse. The stories others have shared with me of drug addicted Mother’s, abusive Father’s and not so nice siblings, outweigh the happily ever after stories.
So in all reality I want to know my natural family. Whether it will be a regret or a blessing is yet to be determined. But I still have that right to find out. So whether you know who your blood family is or you don’t, we are more similar then I once thought. We both experience hurt and anguish in different ways but yet the same. I always have felt like I was different and didn’t belong but I fit in a little more then I thought.

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Parts of Me

The parts of me

that you cannot see

have sadness and pain

and still I remain sane

Daily struggles of not belonging

are the parts of me

that you cannot see

I put on a brave face

even though I have seemed to

be misplaced without a trace

those are the parts of me

that you cannot see

My inner strength and hope

help me to cope

those are the parts of me

that you cannot see.

MHB

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